I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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