Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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