I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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