I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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