census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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