i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
