i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
