I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
