i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
God, I missed his penis.
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