Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
