When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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