i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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