You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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