It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
