What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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