Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
