I think I died a long time ago.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he shaved USA in his pubs
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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