someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
