you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
