If i come over, it means nothing
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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