he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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