I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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