He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
