Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
