Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He passed out mid-signature
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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