Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
