I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
