so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
