I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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