I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
