So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
