I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
