She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This show inspires me to have sex in space
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
