so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
