I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
