I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
