I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
