Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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