Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
