Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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