the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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