so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you didnt know i had herpes?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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