I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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