He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
