My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
