when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
