i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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