How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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