Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
