I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
