Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
