cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
