mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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